Minding the Unruly: help from books

I was reading Tricia's beautiful Home Made Happy blog the other day and she made reference to parenting wisdom gleaned from parent-characters in her favorite books. I thought, I can totally relate! Is it weird that much of how I try to parent comes from fiction? Do you do that too? Some of my fictional parent heroes:

-Mr. Penderwick: (the Penderwick books are my new favorites). Lots of room for those girls to be independent and free, and he gives them such intellectual riches in their conversations and home life. Sympathetic and funny, yet still a moral compass. And he's so funny (did you read the second book? Marianne Dashwood?)

-Marilla Cuthbert: (Anne of Green Gables) tough love, baby.

-Matthew Cuthbert: (Anne of Green Gables) tough love is great but sometimes you just really need to get your kid some puffed sleeves.

-Mrs. Comstock: (Girl of the Limberlost) She got off to a rough start but it's never too late to make changes. Usually the damage isn't too permanent, nothing that a few great lunch box meals can't fix.

-and of course, we can't even have this conversation without talking about Mrs. Ingalls. On this I will quote an email sent to me by my dear and brilliant friend Alexandra:

"I have developed a mothering ideal based loosely on doing whatever best fits the answer to the question: What would Ma Ingalls do? It falls short often because it is so hard to translate across the century of change, and maybe I just don't have all the data on the psychological health of the kids of that generation, but I tend to think that it was sort of a good thing that Ma was so wrapped up in keeping them all from starving to death, freezing to death or being torn apart by wild animals that she was not able to spend all her day in play with her kids. Probably good, too, that Laura had to help out to keep herself and her family alive. I loved those books as a little girl but when I reread them a few years ago I was struck by two things: 1) they are sort of boring and 2) the purpose of all they did was to survive.

The idea that you live to not die is so foreign to me. I know we cannot replicate that in our homes and it is silly to try to do so, but that doesn't stop me. I was going to end that sentence differently, but the truth got in the way. Ma and Pa were devoted to their kids and talked to them and taught them and spent all sorts of time (Pa didn't have a job, after all, he just hunted for food and then stored it) together. But they didn't dote on their kids. And I don't think they even worried about their feelings or emotions so much as their not-dying or their characters. And I think their characters benefitted from their parents not doing much more than trying to keep them alive and demanding that the kids do their part in ensuring family survival, too.

I think that we love our kids so much and want to give them all we had and more--all the things that went wrong for us or that our parents did wrong we want to do right. Those are natural impulses, but if we go too far with them I think we do ourselves and our kids a disservice. Life is tough sometimes. Other people live here, too, and their feelings and pursuits matter, too. If we are always sacrificing our everything for our kids, how will they learn that they are strong, independent people? How will they learn that the world does not stop for them, or revolve around them? Or, would we want our own kids to entirely drop their skills and interests to cater to their children's schedules and demands? Sometimes it helps to get out of the too-child-centered approach to the world to ask the question that way: would I want my own child to grow up and live like this (in this marriage, job, mothering pattern)?"

...it gets so hard because I don't mean that we shouldn't reach out and do all those hard things (sometimes boring things!) that are caught up in mothering kids. Or that it's okay to waste away the hours on facebook or some other indulgence while the kids stare at the tv. I guess I am just saying that moderation in all things is the wisest and truest sentence I have ever heard. If you find that you are basically always tending towards sacrificing your own needs for your kids or the other way around, you are probably doing something wrong. I think the line on what we need to feel healthy and rejuvenated and in balance is a little different for each person, and I think that we need to resist the temptation to compare our style to someone else's for verification..."

Great food for thought, Alexandra. What would Ma do is my new mantra.

Which book-parents inspire you?

Minding the Unruly: the trouble with homemade Christmas gifts

I have a fantasy each Christmas of my children taking time to carefully consider each other's likes and craft sweet, thoughtful presents for one another.

This has unfortunately never quite played itself out well. Probably because I have been a smidge too hands-off in my role as adult over-seer. For instance, last Christmas my then-7 year old made a personalized sash (yes, that's what it is. see above photo) for her 4 year old sister. I'm so sorry to say that it was not received with delight.

This year, I'm going to try ONE MORE TIME to salvage this fantasy but I'm taking the bull by the horns: each child will choose something they can make in a batch for their siblings and that thing will be a cool thing they can choose off of a list of projects that I will assemble.

My ideas so far have mostly come from careful perusal of Design Mom's trove of DIY sibling christmas projects. I'm thinking especially of the bleach shirts, pocket hand-warmers, decoupage sketchbooks, and bubble bath. Also great could be jewelry boxes, jewelry, or frankly, cookies.

Ideas? Once more pinterest is a valuable tool for such research... I'd love to hear things that have worked well for you!

Minding the Unruly: Photo Keeping

I don't know if you are like me, but I have about a billion pictures in my iphoto library, and have not printed out pictures in about four years. (!) Periodically I think about this and can feel my heart rate go up and the panic begin to circulate through my system. What if the computer crashes? What if my iphoto starts eating itself? What if our house burns down? What if we lose the computer in the airport? Any number of scenarios could be insanely devastating.

S0 I've been trying to think through some systems that could potentially work for our family, and here are some of the ideas that I've come up with. I would so very much love to hear what other families are doing now that there are so many options (and so many pictures and videos being taken!)

My current (and future) systems:

-The blog book. One thing (actually the only thing) that I have done with success is to maintain our private family blog, where I try with regularity to upload photos and note down funny/meaningful stories. I've been making an annual book from this each Christmas through blurb, and the books are a big hit with the kids. But - the obvious drawback with a blurb book as your main photo album is that you can't readily pull out pictures to tape to school projects, bring to "guess who the baby is" contests (you know love that game :) ), etc. Also they are expensive, because ideally I would like a copy for each child, for every year, for them to take with them when they are all grown up and in their own homes. And so far I pretty much just buy one copy for us (and one for the grandparents) because I'm always trying to be frugal around Christmas and then forget to go back and get more copies at other points in the year. All that being said, I guess it is something. And as I was on the blurb site today, I came across this example, which I think is one of the prettiest family books I've ever seen. (I have no idea who this family is but I totally wanted to buy a copy of it. Is that creepy of me?)

-Old Fashioned Photo Albums. I should just bite the bullet and do this for our favorite pictures, right? Maybe try to print out pictures every few months and slide them in? Is it worth it to do that in this day and age?

-Plastic File Box. I thought about this about 4 months ago and bought the file box but have yet to put anything in it. But when I get around to it, I will take a manilla envelope and put a child's name, their grade, and then important school papers and some pictures from the year. That might be a simple enough back-up system that I could regularly do, right? One manilla envelope per child per school year.

-External Hard Drive. I will admit I haven't really taken the time to figure out what this is because it just sounds like a boring thing but my husband bought one last year and I think he backed up our pictures onto it (good job, Steve. You are awesome).

-putting all of those camera video clips onto cd's. Why haven't I done this yet? It would probably not take too long. And they are so fun to watch. This week I promise I'll do it!

Now, your systems - I'd love to hear! There must be other people who are literally kept up at night worrying about this!!

fairy fun

Our little friend Lolo just turned 5. She's my daughter's first and best friend.

We decided to have tea for her because we adore her.

We made her a cake

(the ubiquitous rainbow cake. I couldn't help myself! It was hard to cut, but fun)

here they are, the party girls. After this picture was taken they trotted off to play their favorite game, "Honey and Sweetie," which is basically pretend mother and daughter. I overheard them talking about bombs through the bushes, though, and when I asked them what exactly they were playing, my daughter sweetly replied that today they were playing "Honey and Sweetie, and the Dangers of Hell." Nice. Come over for some cake, and my daughter will play a game with you about hell.

Thankfully we had a gift for Lolo to make up for all the talk about you-know-where. We made a FAIRY TRAP from a stick & thread & hot glue (kind of like a dream catcher - put a dab of glue on your starting point, and then wind the thread back and forth, gluing a little as you go to secure the thread). The fairy trap is meant to be woven with flowers to lure unsuspecting flying folk into having a little nap on the wee hammock you've made for them.

(fairy trap in action)

We also made her a FAIRY ROOM out of a small box with clear sides that I found at Michael's. We filled it with a nest, bags of moss, glitter and sparkly string, and a bundle of pretty fabrics (see below, being mauled by the baby).

The point is to decorate the box, and then leave the top open at night so that maybe a fairy might pop in for a rest while you are asleep. You never know, right?

Sparkly play dough was also in order. Because play dough is awesome and with glitter even better.

Happy birthday, Lolo! We're sorry you learn swears when you come to play with us!

minding the unruly: summer vacation

Dear Melissa,

Today is the first day of summer vacation for us, which feels crazy as I am right now typing wearing a coat. I love summer vacation but am also filled with a tiny bit of dread, considering the many hours to fill with hopefully constructive and happy play. Here's a small list of easy, creative, and time-consuming (for the kids, not the mom) activities that I compiled for a recent Enrichment night at church. I would LOVE to hear other ideas, please please please!

-PLAY DOCTOR & MAKE CASTS. requires: 2(+) kids, 1 roll of toilet paper + 1 squirt bottle with water.

This was a consistent crowd pleaser with me and my siblings growing up - we spent hours casting each other's limbs. Bonus points for coming up with awesome stories about how the fake injuries occurred.

how: have your young doctor wrap a layer of toilet paper around the victim’s pretend broken limb, i.e., arm or leg. Then have the doctor squirt water on the toilet paper to make it stick. The more layers, the more time this game will take. I encourage very thick casts. Do this outside.

-SCRIBBLE ART. requires: 1 piece of paper, a few markers.

how: using a black or dark marker, make a crazy big scribble on a piece of paper. Then have your child color in the scribble using different colors. It will look like stained glass if they ever finish. (this is best for advanced color-ers – like ages 4+)

-MAKE A FAIRY GARDEN. requires: 1 patch of dirt, 1 stick.

how: explain to your child that there are fairies who fly around looking for nice places to sleep at night. Impress upon them the need to help make a spot just right for a fairy, and have them beautify the dirt patch for a potential fairy landing with grass, little weeds or flowers, etc.

-Along those same lines, you could introduce your kids to the british artist Andy Goldsworthy, and have them make their own art installation in your backyard with the things they find (and maybe some beans from you :) )

-LISTEN TO “Peter & the Wolf” (we like the David Bowie version. $9.99 on itunes. Totally worth it when you need a break but don’t want to turn on the TV)

-MAKE A MINI BOOK. requires: 1 piece of paper, a pencil.

how: instructions can be found here. We’ve used these in school projects, for Christmas cards, and during many a church meeting. Even if your kids aren’t old enough to do the folding themselves, they will have fun filling a little book with pictures or words to songs or whatever.

-MAKE A FIELD GUIDE TO THE BACKYARD (older kids) requires: paper, pencil, colored pencils, & a nature book or the internet to help identify leaves & plants.

How: send your kids out into the yard to collect specimens of your flora. Then have them draw, describe, and properly label them. Staple them together at top, or fold in half and staple on fold, for a simple book.

-MAKE SIMPLE PAPER DOLLS WITH FABRIC SCRAPS requires: 1 piece paper, some teensy scraps of fabric or colorful paper & a pen. Idea from Joel Henrique’s great upcoming book MADE TO PLAY, instructions can be found here.

-Work through the lessons in Sewing School, a fantastic guide to teaching little ones how to sew (I love, love, love this book! The instructions are super clear, and the projects are really fun).

-Have them brush up on their knowledge of current events by reading kid-appropriate news on Here There Everywhere, a great website edited by a mother and former producer of the Today Show.

-And finally, look for opportunities for your kids to serve in your community. Even little things like helping neighbors carry in groceries, secretly dropping off a little bouquet of flowers on someone's doorstep, or covertly make their sister's bed, hopefully help them to become better and happier little people, right?

-a few other great resources: made by joel, the crafty crow, deep space sparkle (great art projects)

minding the flock: aarg!

Dear Melissa,

That "aarg" is my very weak tiger roar because I just finished reading Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. The book is totally good. I really liked it, and ended up with a lot of respect for the author, Amy Chua, and think that her girls are lucky to have a mother who loves them so much, and who is so incredibly not-lazy. (And, she's really funny).

That being said, I don't think my goal in the end is to be a tiger mother. I think I'd rather be a cricket mother. What on earth do you mean, Lynne? you may be asking. I will try and explain and if you are not in it for the long haul, perhaps you should click away right now, because I have been thinking a lot about this and it will take me the long way around to explain. When I was growing up I loved listening to the crickets at night. I remember laying on a bed of itchy grass wearing my yellow terry-cloth shorts jumpsuit and light blue holly hobby polyester knee socks, feeling like the queen of the world hearing that vibrating chorus and watching the fireflies blink away while the stars popped out of the night sky. On those nights I had the feeling that all was possible: I might be a brilliant novelist, or an amazing artist, or...the dream most cherished of all...a mysterious and beautiful CIA agent, code name Samantha.

I kind of think that John Steinbeck was writing about times like this in East of Eden, when he talked about the "glory" (have you gotten to this part yet? It's on page 131 in my copy, and he says it better than I could explain):

"Sometimes a kind of glory lights up the mind of a man. It happens to nearly everyone. You can feel it growing or preparing like a fuse burning toward dynamite. It is a feeling in the stomach, a delight of the nerves, of the forearms. The skin tastes the air, and every deep-drawn breath is sweet. Its beginning has the pleasure of a great stretching yawn; it flashes in the brain and the whole world glows outside your eyes. A man may have lived all of his life in the gray, and the land and trees of him dark and somber. The events, even the important ones, may have trooped by faceless and pale. And then - the glory - so that a cricket song sweetens his years, the smell of the earth rises chanting to his nose, and dappling light under a tree blesses his eyes. Then a man pours outward, a torrent of him, and yet he is not diminished. And I guess a man's importance in the world can be measured by the quality and number of his glories. It is a lonely thing but it relates us to the world. It is the mother of all creativeness, and it sets each man separate from all other men."

What does this has to do with cricket mother? I think my point is kind of that I want my kids to have enough ROOM for spontaneous magic in their lives. Hard work is definitely part of the equation of opportunity - and hard work takes a lot of time (and to be practical if you've ever been around a seven year old trying to learn a stringed instrument or their times tables, a good deal of parental involvement or else it just won't happen, period) - but then I think you need to step back a little and just let them...be, you know? Like, let your child wander to the piano, figure out for an hour how to play "The Eye of the Tiger," and connect with the universe when he or she succeeds. Wasted time? I don't think so. That feeling of connection - the process of lighting up with yourself - those moments, like Steinbeck said, are what make life zingy and exciting - and then give you the momentum to propel yourself forward in your life, to engage with life. To watch your daughter head into the bathroom where she has discovered the acoustics to be amazing, and sing in a crazy falsetto voice all of the Christmas carols she knows and then emerge flushed with the conviction that she just loves to sing... we are not headed to Carnegie Hall, perhaps, or not even to the school talent show (a painful conversation), but an AWESOME afternoon.

Probably this doesn't quite make sense (I am on a lot of allergy medicine, after all, which doesn't seem to help my love of run-on sentences) - but long live crickets! And keep reading East of Eden - I can't wait to talk about why Cathy eats chalk.

xo

Lynne

Minding the unruly

Dear Melissa,

The other morning my husband walked by the bathroom door, where the seven year old and four year old were locked in together (they like to keep each other company while taking care of business). Steve overheard the following conversation:

7: ...no, that's wrong. try again.
4: ...but I don't know how to read
7: Just try again. You can do it! "Cloud." Spell, "cloud."
4: ...but I just need some toilet paper
7: not until you can spell the word correctly.
4: but the only word I can spell is my name
7: "Cloud" is simple. Do it.



I guess by the time we finally shuttle the four year old off to kindergarten, she will be well prepared with such a rigorous teacher at home. That's really what our public school system needs to shape those standards up - my daughter to come in and show them how it's done. Although her methods may or may not be legal. :)

(pictured are a pair of grey flannel matching blankets I recently made for those little sisters. they like all things in twin-form these days. how do you tie blankets without your fingers getting sore?)

Love,
Lynne

minding the unruly

Dear Melissa,

The other day I got the chance to preview the galleys for fantastic Joel Henrique's upcoming book, Made to Play. They were awesome (he is a genius, by the way), and I can't wait to get my hands on the actual book. This was one of the ideas we played with immediately that couldn't be simpler: draw stick figures, cut fabric clothes, play. I would say that we got a good twenty minutes out of this activity, which is saying something for the four year old.

Speaking of which: my social little four year old has absolutely no desire to ever, ever, ever play by herself. When I put her in quiet time, she would rather stand by the door waiting for me to come get her (shouting, "is quiet time over yet?" every thirty seconds) than entertain herself. Consequently we do not do quiet time very much any more because all that yelling from her makes me feel grumpy.

This is in stark contrast to the seven year old, who very much like your seven year old, is kind of like a child MacGyver. She can find a baby wipe and a spaghetti noodle under the table in the kitchen and in seconds devise an exciting game that most likely has to do with greek mythology, romantic love, and looking at herself in the mirror (her three favorite things right now) and we won't see her for hours. If I'm really lucky the four year old might get assigned a small role in this game (say, as the spaghetti noodle holder in the corner), which starts out being a great thing but then usually ends up with the four year old yelling: "but I wanted to be the mom!" (reflecting a serious misunderstanding of the game, which infuriates her sister even more).

Oh well. Lots of love,

Lynne

Chinese mother

Did you read the recent "Chinese mother" articles in the Wall Street Journal? One article praised strictness, saying that children need to be pushed and guided in their activities in order to develop new abilities. Learning to play the violin, for example, is really hard and unpleasant in the beginning. But once the child can play the Bach double, he probably secretly enjoys playing and certainly feels a sense of accomplishment which then increases self-esteem. The author stated that kids need to be pushed passed that hump of difficulty. After reading the first article my husband and I thought, yes, that's it, our kids need to develop more discipline. We shall be Chinese mother and Chinese father. So we tried it for many days. Can I just tell you, it was not fun. The tiger parent approached provoked tears, crumpling to the ground, stomping away and slamming of doors.


This article criticized the tiger mother, saying a more relaxed approach to parenthood is healthier.

What kind of parent are you? Are you Chinese mother?